When one of you is unsure,
start with clarity.
Discernment counseling is a short, structured process for couples where one or both partners are not sure whether to keep working on the relationship. The goal is not to fix the relationship yet. The goal is to help each of you get clear on a direction, and confident in it, before making a decision that is hard to undo.
It follows the model developed by Dr. William Doherty and takes one to five sessions. You decide after each one whether to continue.
Book a Free ConsultationFor couples who are
not in the same place.
Couples therapy works best when both partners are ready to work on the relationship. Discernment counseling is for the moment before that, when one or both of you are not sure.
One partner is leaning toward ending the relationship, and the other wants to try to save it
Both partners feel uncertain and cannot tell whether things can get better
You are going back and forth after an affair or a major breach of trust
Couples therapy has not worked before, and you are not sure whether to try again
You want to make a decision deliberately rather than in the middle of a crisis
One question,
three possible paths.
Discernment counseling starts where you are now, uncertain. By the end, most couples choose one of three directions, based on a clearer understanding of the relationship and each person's part in it.
Keep things as they are, for now
Take more time without committing to change or to ending the relationship.
Revisit when you are readyMove toward separation
With a clearer understanding of how you got here, which can make what comes next less painful for everyone.
Move forward with clarityCommit to couples therapy
Six months of couples therapy with divorce off the table, so both of you can put full effort into change.
Then decide togetherDr. Lenger will not choose a path for you or push either of you toward a particular outcome.
One to five sessions,
one at a time.
Each session includes a brief conversation with both of you and separate conversations with each partner. Most of the work happens in those individual conversations, where each person can speak openly about where they are.
Sessions are virtual. Because discernment counseling is offered by a licensed psychologist, both partners need to be located in a state where Dr. Lenger is authorized to practice. See the current list.
A longer first session
Two hours to understand the history of the relationship, what has brought you here, and where each of you stands.
Time with each partner
Separate conversations give each of you space to think out loud without having to manage the other person's reaction.
A decision after each session
There is no long commitment. After every session, you both decide whether to schedule another, up to five.
A clear next step
Whatever path you choose, you leave knowing what comes next, including a referral or a start in couples therapy if that is the direction.
Frequently asked questions.
Is discernment counseling the same as couples therapy?
No. Couples therapy works on changing the relationship. Discernment counseling is a decision-making process that comes first. It does not try to resolve your problems during sessions. It helps you decide whether to work on them.
What if one of us has already decided to leave?
Discernment counseling is designed for partners who are leaning out but have not made a final decision. If one of you has already decided, it is not the right fit, and the consultation is a good place to talk through other options.
Will what I say individually be shared with my partner?
Not without your permission. Dr. Lenger may encourage you to share something that matters to the decision and help you think through how to do that. At the end of each session, each partner shares a summary of what they learned.
Do we have to do all five sessions?
No. Some couples get clear in one or two sessions. After each session, you both decide whether to schedule another.
What happens if we choose couples therapy?
You can begin couples therapy with Relationship Health Collective or with another provider. Many couples continue with the same therapist, since much of the groundwork has already been laid.
When is discernment counseling not a fit?
It is not appropriate when either partner is being pressured to participate, or when there is physical violence, threats, coercive control, or another safety concern. If it is not the right fit, Dr. Lenger will talk with you about other options.
Do you take insurance?
Because discernment counseling is not psychotherapy and no diagnosis is made, it is not eligible for insurance reimbursement, and no superbill is provided.
You do not have to
decide alone.
Schedule a free 15-minute consultation to find out whether discernment counseling is the right starting point for you.
Book a Free Consultation