Unsure About the Relationship

When one of you is
not sure anymore.

One of you has been thinking about leaving. The other wants to work on it. Standard couples therapy assumes you both want the same thing, which is exactly what makes it a strange fit right now. One of you is being asked to invest in something they are not sure they want, and the other is waiting to find out.

This is one of the most common situations couples come in with, and it is workable. The goal is not to talk anyone into staying or into leaving. It is to get clear enough to make a decision either of you can live with.

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What this looks like

What couples
describe here.

Most couples in this position have been in it a while. The conversation has been had several times and has stopped going anywhere new, and both of you are tired in different ways.

One of you has been quietly considering leaving, possibly for a long time

One of you is doing everything possible to hold it together and running out of ways to do it

Trying therapy before and concluding it did not work

An affair, a betrayal, or a broken agreement that has not been resolved

Staying because of children, money, or a shared life that would be difficult to unwind

Wondering whether what is left is enough, and not knowing how to find out

Wanting to know you tried everything before deciding

Ambivalence is not a character flaw or a sign of bad faith. It usually means two things are true at once. There is real love, and there are real reasons to go. The work is to take both seriously rather than pushing for a decision before you have one.

Where to start

Finding the right format.

Where to start depends on how much clarity you already have. The free consultation is a good place to sort that out, and there is no expectation of committing to a course of therapy to have it. If your uncertainty follows an affair or another breach of trust, Infidelity and Trust may also be helpful.

If one of you is leaning out and the other wants to keep trying Discernment Counseling A short, structured process built for exactly this situation. You meet for up to five sessions and decide after each one whether to continue. The goal is clarity about direction before deciding whether to commit to couples therapy. If you are both unsure but willing to look at it together Relationship Checkup Two sessions for an honest read on where things actually stand, including what is working and what is not. A contained place to start when neither of you is ready to commit to months of therapy. If you both decide to give it a real effort Couples Therapy Weekly sessions over several months, with a defined period and a point where you take stock together. If one of you needs space to think on your own Individual Therapy For individuals whose questions about the relationship are tangled up with their own, and who need space to think separate from the couple work.
Frequently asked questions

Questions couples
usually ask.

What is Discernment Counseling?

It is a short, structured approach designed for couples where one partner is leaning out and the other wants to keep trying. Rather than working on the relationship right away, it focuses on getting clear about direction. You meet for up to five sessions and decide after each one whether to continue. Learn more on the Discernment Counseling page.

Are you going to try to talk us into staying together?

No. Staying together is not the measure of success here, and neither is separating. Both partners get treated as reasonable people with real reasons for where they have landed. What happens next is yours to decide.

One of us is only here because the other asked. Is that a problem?

It is very common and worth saying out loud in the first session. Coming in reluctantly is different from coming in dishonestly. What matters is that nobody is pretending to want something they do not.

What if we decide to separate?

That is a legitimate outcome, and how you do it matters, particularly when children are involved. Couples who reach that decision with a clear sense of why tend to have an easier time afterward than couples who arrive there through attrition.

We tried couples therapy before and it did not help.

That is worth talking about early. Sometimes the fit was wrong, sometimes the timing was, and sometimes the work was aimed at problems that were not the actual problem. Knowing what did not work last time is useful information.

When is this not the right fit?

If one of you has already firmly decided to end the relationship, this is not the place to work that out, and a different kind of support will serve you better. The same is true if there is ongoing abuse or if one partner is being pressured into attending. The free consultation is a chance to figure out whether this is the right setting, and to get a referral if it is not.

What are your fees and do you take insurance?

Fee information is on the Investment page. Relationship Health Collective is out of network with insurance. Superbills for potential out-of-network reimbursement can be provided in certain circumstances. Payment is accepted via credit card and HSA/FSA accounts.

Not quite what is going on? See other concerns →

You do not have to
decide alone.

Schedule a free 15-minute consultation to share where things stand and find out whether working together is a good fit.

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